Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
