What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
