I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
