Sponge bath it is.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
