Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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