I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
