Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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