just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
