um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
