You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
