I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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