What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
