I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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