I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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