I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
