I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
