I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
