fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
