i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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