eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
