she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
