You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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