I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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