she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
