We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
