We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
