My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
