Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
