Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
