I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
