Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
