i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
