Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
