The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
