operation harelip BJ is a go
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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