It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
