then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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