I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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