we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
