Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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