i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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