I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
