worst night to have a conscience
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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