i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
