He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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