so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
