You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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