i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
