Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
