and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It was confusing and full of hummus
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
